A Worrying Fool

I'm a natural over-thinker and worrier.  I worry about day-to-day items.  I worry about the future.  I worry about the past.  I worry about the decisions I need to make and how those decisions will affect my life FOREVER.  Over-thinking will ruin things.  It will consume you and will make you miss out on what's happening in the present.  I try not to over-think when it comes to being healthy, but I can't help but do so.  Will my friends still accept me if I physically change?  Will my personality change?  Will I become more egotistical and more me-focused rather than others-focused?  Over-thinking has always been my downfall, but I have yet to come up with a solution.  Any thoughts from my readers?

It's been awhile...

I know I haven't posted since May, but I suppose you can say life happened.  I've taken seven classes for my doctorate degree and will be enrolled for another three this spring.  The spring will be my last crazy busy semester.

I could make every excuse in the book for falling off the bandwagon this past 1-2 years in my weight loss journey.  (Actually, upon editing this post, I find it funny that I call it a weight loss journey and not a lifestyle change becuase it really needs to be a lifestyle change; a change in how my mind works and functions as it relates to food and exercise.)  I could blame it on school (started Fall 2010) and working full time, or my move to a house 14 miles farther from work (December 2009), or my failure in running a half marathon (February 2011), or my new-ish relationship (September 2010), or my volunteer work, or just the everyday preoccupation of my mind.  The fact is, I will be asked hard questions in a couple of weeks by my new trainer and I don't know if I have any answers.  My current trainer is moving his career forward and is becoming a firefighter.  I wish him the best, of course, since it's a pretty sweet gig and great for his family.  I think, though, as a friend, he may have let me slide in accountability a little.  A new trainer could (and will) be a good thing, but it also has to be the right trainer because Matt was the right trainer for me at the time I needed him.  With his guidance next week, we will discuss who may take over that role.  It's funny.  I used to always pick up and leave when things were progressing to "comfortable," but I'm afraid of the accountability, something I should have been doing every single day.  I suppose it's best to face it now rather than in my coffin.  I used to run from feelings and getting close to people, but now change (and a change of scenery) kind of scares me.  Am I growing up?  Or am I just not challenging myself enough? 

My best friend would say that I'm settling, that I see life for me as "good enough" and it's my fear of taking chances, or perhaps that I'm not afraid of failing but I'm even more afraid of succeeding.  I have to agree that my half marathon failure was probably the item that hit me hardest, and sometiems I feel that when I fail, I might as well fail the best way I know how - completely.  My best friend could possibly even call me a coward for not moving life forward; we can be brutal like that. 

What I do know is that I'm going to miss my brother (my current trainer).  I am determined that the two and half years that we spent together was not for nothing; in other words, it was for something.  Matt (my current trainer) probably knows more about me and what I have been through than anybody else, and he's completely right when he says that I think too much and that's the interference that has caused a reversal in my weight loss progression.  He and I discussed a few months ago the idea of switching trainers to get out of my stalemate because he wanted me to keep progressing.  Now, through fate alone, I have that chance and I'm going to take it.  Perfect timing for a new year's resolution, eh?

The Difference Between Co-Dependence and Reliability

Today as I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and fought the tears, I couldn't help but think about the transitions that have been occurring in my life. I have always been a very independent woman, and I have always hated relying on other people because I had these high expectations. Slowly, these barriers have been broken since I moved to Austin, and I actually do not mind relying on the friends I have established. But today, after being severely disappointed by the one person I have always trusted and relied on, I realized that I didn't just rely on him, but I was nearly being co-dependent. Me? Co-dependent? What? This is truly uncharted territory for me.

I broke into tears this morning not because I was upset with him (technically I was...but let's look at the bigger picture), but because I feel like I've been trying so hard and I'm still stuck at this same dang weight. Trying and doing, though, are two separate things. "I tried my best" and "I did my best" are very different. Trying is almost like saying that you're ready to propel into action, but you haven't quite decided to actually do it. I have been trying to do a lot of things, but haven't quite done them to the best of my ability.

Where did I go wrong? Why can't I rely on myself and my decision-making skills anymore? How do I find that perfect medium of dependence and independence?

Just An Update

Two weeks ago I had strep, and last week I was sick. I'm now sitting in Orlando on a business trip, ready to rip my eyes out because of allergies. So is life...

About a 1.5 weeks ago, I did cardio with Stephanie (one of the trainers) at the gym. She's fantastic. Stephanie's training for a competition at the end of the month, so she's always looking for people to do cardio with. We jogged/walked about three miles; jogged a mile and walked the other two. I jogged one lap, two laps, three laps, and four laps (my first). Each lap's a tenth of a mile. She gave me so many great pointers for running and showed me some new stretches on top of that. It was by far my greatest cardio workout in a long time.

Last night I had a breakdown here at the hotel. The fire alarm went off at about 11:15pm. It was the first night that I went to bed before 11pm and I was going to get six hours of sleep (I have averaged just under 4 hours of sleep per night since Thursday). AND I was waking up early to hit the fitness center to get some cardio in since I have not done cardio in weeks because of illness. Well, after the fire alarm, there went all my sleeping time again...but I have to look on the bright side, even if I did get up, I would not have been able to work out at their facility because a leak. I skipped a conference session today to go mall walking because I feel like I've been so lazy and just not eating well while not at home. It was something, I suppose. I was just frustrated with the fire alarm because I had an 8:30am presentation today on top of everything else.

I feel bloated and just super fat tonight. It hasn't helped that I haven't left the hotel (and be in daylight) for two days now. I had 12.5 hours of meetings yesterday and 10 hours of meetings today (would have been 12 if I didn't take that mall walking break!). And this is straight meeting after meeting, with maybe ten minutes inbetween to grab water and a snack.

I'm frustrated, tired, and can't wait to get back into a routine at the gym...

Procrastinated Confession

I have been procrastinating this post for some time now, but since a few of you have been noticing that I have not posted in awhile, I figured it's time to confess... I fell off the bandwagon big time, and one of the easiest ways to know that I have is when I don't post to my blog at least a few times per week.

I do have to say, even though I live in sunny Austin, I went through a couple weeks of winter blues where I had no desire what-so-ever to exercise. The adrenaline that I got from working out decreased, so I looked to other things to keep going...aka sugar, the worst thing possible for a dieter, or, in my case, a lifestyle changer. I became addicted to sugar again, and last week was not too pretty when I tried to detox from it.

A couple weeks ago, Matt (my trainer) made me promise to go to the gym every day for a week to try and get out of my slump. I had the hardest time telling him of my woes because I knew it would make him upset and sad. He has put a lot of himself in me, not just work-wise either. Anyway, I did work out for a week straight, and was going strong on my second week until yesterday. Sundays have become my "day out of the gym" exercise day for variety. Last Sunday I played sand volleyball for 3.5 hours, and the week before I hiked probably 7 miles or so in the greenbelt. My nutrition is not completely back to normal, but I'm working on it.

Man, this post sounds depressing. What have I learned through all of this? WELL...Matt is right yet again, I'm sometimes way too hard on myself. I need to work on forgiving myself. I can forgive others pretty easily, but for some reason if I screw up myself, I just can't do it. And that's how I spiraled down.

I could blame this on the new guys that are in my life, but that would be just another excuse and I'm tired of excuses. I need to step my game back up, it's just super hard to do so when I have so many exciting things outside the gym occurring.

SO...for accountability...I weighed in this afternoon (usually I do this in the morning before my morning workout, but I haven't had one of those in weeks) at 295, last week I was 293. I may be retaining some water due to my sodium intake last night, but who knows. I have started logging my food again, so that should help.

Thanks to those who noticed my disappearing act...I've been procrastinating my confession for about week now, but now you and the world know it.

Mmmmm...I love football just as much as pizza and ice cream...

I have a confession to make - I LOVE FOOTBALL. And, believe it or not, I really only watch the pro-football teams rather than college (even though I live in Texas). I do regularly cheer for Texas and Boston College (BC), and occasionally Michigan State and Michigan. I grew up in the Northeast, and the only rankable school out there has been BC, so everybody always focused on the pro sports. I am a die-hard Patriots fan (yeah, they won last night!), and my #2 team is the NY Giants (hope they cream the Cowboys today!). I cheer for the Giants because they have summer camp where I did my grad degree (graduated 04) and it's amazing just to see players out-and-about in the city. I even got to experience being on the practice field with them, so yes, they have a special place in my heart.

I was definitely good this football season, watching most of the games at the gym because my football junkie friends were busy supporting friends and family members who were on football teams (again, I live in Texas). Now that college ball is over, we've been going out to watch the games, which means I have splurged a little the past couple of weekends. I had some jalepeno poppers and two vodka and diet coke's last night while watching the Patriots, and today we're heading to a sports bar to watch the Cowboys (lose). I'm planning on getting a salad, but passing up beer while watching a football game is going to be super duper hard. The two seem to go hand-in-hand. Actually, I think it's the environment that makes me want to drink. I feel guilty taking up space at a bar and not having a drink because that's less tip money for the bartender. I used to be a waitress and I hated having tables that would sit there forever and not leave a good tip. I guess I could tip for drinking water... I don't know, thoughts?

Gasp...

Okay everybody here's your opportunity to gasp...I didn't go to the gym today. Say what? Yep...no gym time today. Slept in, went to work, took my car to the doctor (aka mechanic), and will be heading out the door shortly to see some friends for a couple hours. I had the following decision to make:

1. Eat out twice today (Chipotle and Subway) and get to the gym for 35 minutes, OR
2. Eat out once today (and walk to Chipotle), not go to the gym, but eat a healthy dinner at home.

Now I know y'all are thinking, "Well Subway's not that bad for you." Hmmmm...not when you love the Chipotle Southwest sauce, which I LOVE. For those who don't know the nutrition, 1.5 tablespoons is 100 calories, 10 grams of fat (1.5 saturated), 10mg of cholesterol, 220 mg of sodium, and 1 g of carbs (1 g sugar).

I opted for #2 instead, and will be doing a double gym day tomorrow with weight training. Sometimes you need to make these executive decisions.

Confessions from a Fat Girl

I like amusement parks, but I have not been to one in...hmmmm...I actually don't remember the last time I went. Actually, it was when Riverside Amusement Park was still Riverside, not Six Flags New England. That change happened in 2000. Crazy. I remember going to Riverside when I was about 17 for a local radio station's "20 Bands for $20" concert. Why can't I get that here? They had some big artists, The Mighty Bosstones, K's Choice, Better than Ezra, etc.

If I like amusement parks, why don't I go to them then? One of the last times I went to an amusement park, a friend made a comment (without knowing it) that made me realize I really should not be riding the rides. We were on a rollercoaster, both latched in with the bar, but because I was fat and she wasn't, she had extra room between her legs and the bar. After we got off, her comment was, "Wow, for a moment there I thought I was going to fall out!" I knew it was my fault and decided that I was just going to make the excuse that I "didn't like" amusement parks so I wouldn't have to go when friends wanted to go.

So why is this on my mind? My conference this March is in Orlando, and who doesn't want to go to Disney World and all the parks while there? After all, work pays for my plane ticket, it doesn't matter when I come home. Do I want to give rides a second chance now that I've lost some weight? It would embarrassing if I don't fit in a ride's seat (it has happened before). I hate making these decisions, but sometimes you have to risk it. I don't know if I have the guts to do it though.

Confessions from a Fat Girl

In my last confession, I blogged about traveling and my issues with airplanes. Today, I am going to talk about another form of transportation: cars.

One of the reasons why I started on this journey now just seems silly. For those who don't know me that well, I tend to rather worry quite a bit. I'm pretty predictable, my spontaneity is predictable, and I'm, for the most part, a law-abiding citizen. (Wow, I just made myself sound REALLY fun to y'all...lol.) Did I mention that I was stubborn too? I still can't believe how quickly Matt picked up on my stubbornness. I have rarely stepped out of my comfort zone, so this has been a hard path, but such a rewarding one at that.

After giving you a quick snippet of who I am, you will then understand why one of the reasons why I started to lose weight was because my car's seatbelt became snug around me during the winter when I wore my fleece coat. (I haven't always lived in Texas.) Being the law-abiding citizen that I am, I was worried that if I got too big, I'd be pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt. It has happened to other people, so it was a possibility. The situation at hand also reminded me of the time I went car shopping with my dad a few years earlier, and one of the car's seatbelt we test drove didn't fit me.

As I head to the gym at 5:15 in the morning, I now pull the seatbelt fully out to remind me why I'm doing this. This may be one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time getting rid of my current car: almost all reminders of how big I was are gone. While it's not healthy to live in the past, I do need to remember where I once was to see all the current benefits.

Confessions from a Fat Girl

I have decided to start a series called "Confessions from a Fat Girl" in which I reveal things that I have done and do because of my weight.

Since I just got back from a business trip, I will start with a traveling confession. While it is essential for me to travel by plane for work and for pleasure, many times I have been embarrassed to because I'm so big. I know people secretly think when I get on the plane "Please don't be sitting next to me." I claim to prefer the aisle seat because I like to have access to my things. While this is true in some respect, it's mainly because I like to have the extra room and lean into the aisle a little bit. It has also been super embarrassing to ask for an extension seatbelt because the regular one does not fit around me.

Luckily, most seatbelts on planes now fit me again due to my weight loss, but I still fear getting on and having to ask a steward/ess for one. I also had to sit in a middle seat while going to Atlanta, and for the first time, it felt like I was not imposing on the guy next to me. My thighs used to be so big that it would hit the button that leans your seat back, but it would keep it pressed in, so it would be nearly impossible to keep my seat up during take off and landing.

While I have made a lot of progress, I still have a bit more to go. I still can't use the tray tables on planes because they don't always lay flat, especially if the person in front of my has their seat back. Some day...