Saturday, November 09, 2013

Days like today are the most difficult...

I am holding a wedding invitation to two dear friends that I had met through my ex-boyfriend.  Reading their story online, especially about how he proposed to her, made me joyfully cry for her (and him).  A woman longs for that day from an early age, but when it doesn't come by a certain age, hope in finding the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with slowly dwindles and you have to face the realization that maybe you were meant to be alone your whole life.  While at times, I am okay with this thought, other times I beat myself up over it:  What are my character flaws that keep pushing men away?  Why do I seem so unapproachable?  Today is a day in which I am beating myself up over it.  I feel like I am pretty consistently "the girl who got away" (Video 1 below) with some of the guys I've dated because typically one does not know what they have until they lose it (Video 2 below).  Especially since men remember me and will pop in and out of my life whenever they feel like it, and typically it's around life changing events in their lives:  got the girlfriend pregnant, getting married, moving out of the state, etc.  So when will I date a guy who appreciates me and is not afraid to show it through action rather than just words?  When will I date a guy who is not intimidated by me?

The biggest question I deal with surrounds why did God put the desire of having a family in my heart, but yet He has not fulfilled it or may never fulfill it.  The only thing I can keep doing is living day after day with the hope that a man who complements me will someday walk side-by-side with me in which in some areas of life, he will lead and make me a better person and in other areas of life, I will lead and make him a better person.  But until then, I will continue this journey solo, and that saddens my heart because it gets lonely during the holiday season. 

To my Christian friends reading this, yes, I know God is always there and I should not feel this way, but sometimes He leaves you in the desert to wander and learn...only time will tell if that's where I am at.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I will never be a Republican...

I am quite disappointed in our state legislators.  Actually, I am quite infuriated.  As women, we need to stand up for ourselves and stop legislators who believe we're too stupid, as a gender, to make decisions for ourselves, for our bodies, and for our unborn children/fetuses (depending on your point of view).

Here are two examples, and from the SAME state legislator who happens to be a woman!
“'I am proud of the step we’ve taken to protect both babies and women. I think it speaks volumes about who we are as humanity,' Laubenberg said."  (Associated Press, July 10, 2013) 
"During a House debate on an appropriations bill that year [2007], Laubenberg, a staunch conservative, put forward an amendment that would require expectant mothers to wait three months before they could begin receiving prenatal and perinatal care under the Children's Health Insurance Program, or CHIP, a program that helps cover uninsured children in low-income families."  (Huffington Post, July 9, 2013)
Do you truly believe you are protecting women?  From what?  Their own decisions?  In 2007, you wanted to withhold healthcare since unborn children are "not children," but now you want to protect them as children.  The irony.  Do you know what would protect women even more so?  Expand Medicaid.  And seeing that women still make about 81 cents to every dollar a man makes (unadjusted), how about you fight for some gender equity in the workforce?  Those are two things that would improve women's lifestyles and improve the lives of their children.

The one thing I do believe is that this law is only going to pass to prove a shoddy Republican point as they run for the Whitehouse in a couple of years.  Perry is not running for governor, so I'm pretty sure he'd use this as leverage if he chooses to run for president again.  Newsflash.  Young people like me are still voting and I will do everything in my power to see the BEST candidate win whether he/she be Democrat, Republican, or Independent, but the way the Republicans have been acting these past five can tell how I lean, especially as a public health worker.

Our legislators desperately need to learn how to work together, something they preach but don't do.  It's all about "being right" rather than digesting the information that they receive.  I think the two parties need a mediation session.  At least Texas isn't afraid of a fight.  North Carolina hid their abortion bill in a motorcycle safety bill; thankfully their governor will be vetoing the abortion legislation.  People scream at how our health care system needs to be changed, but I think our legislative arm of government needs a complete rework even more. 

So my final comments on this posting.  Personally, I could never go through with an abortion, but that does not mean I have the right to strip another woman of her rights to make choices because in the end, she's the one who is going to have to stand before God and be judged for her decisions.

Sunday, July 07, 2013

Moving Forward

I sometimes wish people could climb into my mind and see how it functions.  I swear they would have a different perspective of who I am if they had that opportunity.  From the exterior, I understand why most may assume I'm a pessimistic person, but that's only when I start verbalizing my reactions.  Prior to this verbalization, I keep reminding myself of the positive aspects of whatever I'm facing, that "It can work" or "I am good enough for that job" or "It could be worse."  I go through many iterations of this type of positive reinforcement before I truly start believing in the negative, especially if I feel like I keep getting the beat down on one particular issue.

Waiting for something to happen in my life has always been difficult because the negative thoughts keep creeping in.  I typically keep my life busy at this point or God puts something else on my heart temporarily to get me through it.  It is through this time that I can clear my head and figure out why the contradicting thoughts keep creeping in during God's waiting period.  The negativity symbolizes something that I had to deal with (or not deal with) in my past in some shape or form.  Other times, it can be just a confidence issue, which, if one really thinks about it, stems from the past as well.  I always thought forgiveness was enough, but now I am learning that you need to let it go too.  But are we meant to forget everything bad that has happened to us?  How do we learn from the past if that is the case?  Perhaps it's more about not letting our past stop us from moving forward. 

Sunday, March 03, 2013

God blows me away (again)

I sin not just because I am a sinner, but I sometimes sin to test my Christian friends.  Although it has not been intentional by any means, it has become habitual over time.

When I was in college, our Christian club on campus had two groups of people belong to it.  The first group were those who were Christians through and through.  Yes, they did sin, but they tried to be true Christ-followers as best as a sinner could.  The second group, on the other hand, had no obedience to the Lord.  They consumed alcohol in excess and frequently did drugs.  These Christians, seemed to be more in the majority than the other.  I do have to say, though, while I was in college, I was still trying to find my way when it came to religious beliefs, and these observations left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

After some reflection of what was being taught at the Verge Conference, I realized that because of my past, I  actually test my Christian friends to see whether or not they will say anything about my sins.  One instance includes while being at church, the pastor asked, by a show of hands, who had been baptized since that is a first step in obedience.  I truthfully answered by not raising me hand while I sat with 3-4 Christian friends.  Nobody has talked to me about baptism.  Since baptism has been weighing on my heart for some time, I have actually started some discussions with a member of the church staff in which I trust.

Over the years I have become a more bold Christian.  I'm not afraid to let people know I am a Christian.  I have questioned friends when I feel like they have become unglued from their faith.  I wish I had those close friends who would do that for me.  I need to grow as a Christian, and sometimes a person does not know their flaws unless somebody uses it as a teaching point.  I know I'm sensitive, but at the women's workshop at the conference, the speaker made me feel better.  Christian men and women need to know and realize that when discipling a woman, it is going to be emotional and messy; there will be tears, and that is okay.  As long as I am not feeling attacked and I feel the person truly wants me to grow and develop in my faith, I will not be hurt indefinitely.  If anything, it will grow me closer to God.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

I never know where to start again...

I always have great ideas on how to start blogging again, but when I get to typing, I lose all my thoughts or they are just jumbled. Should I write about work or church or school or getting healthy or.... What do people want to hear about these days? I have many thoughts as it relates to the news, but who truly wants to hear a reasonable argument these days? I suppose writing clears the head; now whether or not I have an audience will be a different story.