Saturday, November 09, 2013

Days like today are the most difficult...

I am holding a wedding invitation to two dear friends that I had met through my ex-boyfriend.  Reading their story online, especially about how he proposed to her, made me joyfully cry for her (and him).  A woman longs for that day from an early age, but when it doesn't come by a certain age, hope in finding the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with slowly dwindles and you have to face the realization that maybe you were meant to be alone your whole life.  While at times, I am okay with this thought, other times I beat myself up over it:  What are my character flaws that keep pushing men away?  Why do I seem so unapproachable?  Today is a day in which I am beating myself up over it.  I feel like I am pretty consistently "the girl who got away" (Video 1 below) with some of the guys I've dated because typically one does not know what they have until they lose it (Video 2 below).  Especially since men remember me and will pop in and out of my life whenever they feel like it, and typically it's around life changing events in their lives:  got the girlfriend pregnant, getting married, moving out of the state, etc.  So when will I date a guy who appreciates me and is not afraid to show it through action rather than just words?  When will I date a guy who is not intimidated by me?

The biggest question I deal with surrounds why did God put the desire of having a family in my heart, but yet He has not fulfilled it or may never fulfill it.  The only thing I can keep doing is living day after day with the hope that a man who complements me will someday walk side-by-side with me in which in some areas of life, he will lead and make me a better person and in other areas of life, I will lead and make him a better person.  But until then, I will continue this journey solo, and that saddens my heart because it gets lonely during the holiday season. 

To my Christian friends reading this, yes, I know God is always there and I should not feel this way, but sometimes He leaves you in the desert to wander and learn...only time will tell if that's where I am at.


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