Monday, August 13, 2007

Almost

I almost gave up tonight; I was extremely close in doing so.

I met with my trainer and couldn't do half of the things he wanted me to do. I couldn't jog because of my shin splints. I couldn't balance. I couldn't do rows because my back hurt. I couldn't push myself and I felt like I failed him. The worst feeling I have had in a long time.

I couldn't even do more than 30 minutes of cardio after I worked out with him because I thought I was going to burst into tears (I did do 12 minutes before I met with him as well). I did end up crying in the girl's locker room. On top of that, I had a few people who wanted to introduce themselves to me and talk; I wasn't in the talking mood to say the least, and hopefully they didn't think I was purposely being rude. I wanted to go home, call Matt and tell him that I was done, that I can no longer do this, that I just have to accept the fact that I was meant to be fat the rest of my life.

Then I really thought about it. "...I can no longer do this..." What really was "this"? The hard work? The exercising? The eating right? Yes, everybody has their setbacks, it's how you deal with them that makes you either a winner or loser.

At the end of the day, I decided to transform this statement into, "I can no longer do the yo-yoing." It has been the yo-yoing that has driven me to be mad. There are things that I'm going to have to give up probably forever, but in the end these insignificant material things will be replaced with...well I'm not quite sure yet. I guess that's part of the adventure.

Sometimes you have to break down in order to pick up the pieces and build yourself up stronger. Hopefully Matt will have the patience to deal with a few more of my break downs (both physical and mental) because I'm sure this will not be the last one.

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