Thursday, February 16, 2012

I was a crazy genius at one point...

I was a crazy genius at one point in my life; I'd say it was about two years during the period that I was losing the most weight.  How could I have forgotten such simplistic rules I created to help overcome certain lethargic ways?  On my way into work, I could not help but recollect the ways I used to maneuver to trick myself into doing things that I just didn't like to do.  I'm talking about things I loathe doing - revolving stairs, running, jumping jacks, sweating, eating greens, making protein shakes, etc.  Some of those things I hated because they were just difficult and made my muscles sore, while others made me envious.  I am quite sure that does not make any sense, but let me try and explain.  This fat woman, being me, envies those who can just run.  I have so many stressful days in which I just want to go outside and run out all the emotional and physical pain, but I cannot do so because of my weight.  Many people do not understand this about fat people; we want to do things, but we are trapped in pounds and pounds of fat.  This envy sometimes turns into fear (of failure) or hate (the easiest form envy can take) or self-defamation (so easy to be negative when everybody else is), and you have nowhere to hide because it is in your head just screaming to get out.  All I want to do is run and leave the world behind sometimes when it gets this crazy, but I cannot because of the years of neglect.  Walking just is not enough.  And what is worse, to be completely and utterly honest to all you strangers reading this blog, is when I am on a trail doing interval training or walking and I get encouraged by a stranger.  I know everybody is different, but I despise this because you do not know me, you do not know what I have been through, and you have no right to assume that I am going to fail again.  The only people I want encouraging me is my close network of friends that I truly value, and I hope they know I love them and value them.

I am going to get of my soap box to get back to the point of this post.  Matt (my previous trainer) always said, "You think too much.  Just do it."  The weight loss has always been a mental game, and I was winning at one point!  What changed and how do I go back!?!?!?!?!  Well first, I need to wake up the sun, so I need to back to tricking my body that the sun is up when my alarm goes off.  I used to do this with a timer on my nightstand light, but now that my outlets are covered, I need to get me one of these sunrise alarm clocks.  Second, since school and work puts me working strange hours, I need to bring my gym bag up to the office space with me and change before I leave the office.  The chances are, if I am dressed to go to the gym, I will go to the gym.  Lastly, my new trainer is all about measure progress, so hopefully if I continue to do those things I hate at the gym, these exercises will get easier and before I know it, maybe I will like them.  All you need is a little bit of hope.

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