Sunday, July 13, 2008

Walking on a Tight Rope

Most tight rope walkers have a net below them just in case they fall; I'm not sure if mine has one installed yet or not. I have been tip-toeing along this line for too many months, and I think I have gained my balance again, finally. Just because I didn't plunge to my death at any point these past five or six months, it doesn't mean I didn't get hurt along the way.

So where am I going with this post? I have no idea. I'm just going to let my thoughts and feelings flow at this time and let them be.

I met an incredible guy this past week and we went out on Friday for sushi. He didn't want to flake out on me, so he drove up from San Antonio for a two hour dinner just to turn around and go back to San Antonio, talk about sweet. This guy, I have always felt since we met, is way out of my league: funny, sweet, gentle, genuine, kind, open, and completely gorgeous (he was a model and had acting parts on TV shows). He is the epitome of what I desire in a guy, but I doubt I am what he's looking for...physically anyway. This is the second guy in six months in which I have wow-ed by my personality, but they cannot help but see the fat me; it just hurts, especially since I've lost so much weight already. I just want to find a guy who is willing to transform with me. What even hurts more is that I'm still friends with the first guy, and who knows if I'll be friends with this second one. I guess friends is better than nothing, right?

It hurts so much that I almost gave up on humanity, and in doing so, I almost gave up on myself. Saturday, I nearly skipped out on the gym and re-entered my old destructive behavior patterns of binge eating. If I'm not going to be liked now, why bother doing what I've been doing? So yes, I probably did eat a little more than expected, but overall, I stayed on my tight rope. I feel like I can say I broke away from my emotional eating habits this weekend. Yes, I was hurt (and who knows, maybe he will call), but I didn't turn to food in the process. Talk about a Non-Scale Victory.

Anyway, you'll be seeing more of me in the upcoming days and weeks. I'm beginning to re-focus my energy on me and I'm going to start making the guys do a little work to get to know me. I'm worth more than what guys have been giving me, much more.


Heather said...

that definitely is a NSV. But I know you will find that person for you who just sees you as YOU, and not JUST your personality or JUST how you look, but everything all together. hang in there! glad you will be posting more often.

Karina said...

Yay for victories! And victorious thinking. I'm glad you see your worth. God made you, and He did so with special purposes in mind--so you're very valuable! Keep up the good fight.

Ursula said...

awesome post Michele...truth, honesty, sincerity, depth...thanks for sharing. It was hard to read at first, but redeeming at the end! :) It encourages me to see you fight...not only in not turning to food during emotional episodes, but in your thoughts as well. you go girl!!! :) and way to go in not turning to food!!!! that's so awesome!!! It's definitely inspiring to see the power of God work inside you...especially in the mind and in recognizing your true value!!!!! sooo cool. :)

Chubby Chick said...

Amen. You truly ARE worth more!!! Focus on yourself... and at the right time... God will send the right man to you.

I remember one particular guy who really hurt me several years ago. We went out after developing relationship as friends. I had pretty much fallen for him, but after the date, he never called. I later learned that he just wasn't into girls with my "body type." I was around 270 at the time, and I thought I looked pretty darn good actually.

Anyway, I was devastated. I felt like I would NEVER meet the right "guy." But... God had a plan... and I ended up marrying the most wonderful, funniest, and most handsome MAN in the world. And I weighed around 340 when we got married. The other "guy" does not even deserved to be compared to my hubby!

So... all I'm saying is leave everything to God. He has a wonderful MAN out there who is going to fall head over heels in love with YOU... no matter what size you are!!!

Scale Junkie said...

Life is a delicate balance on the best of days. Just hang in there and I hope you meet a man who values you for the beautiful woman you are both inside and out.

Heather said...

I just found your blog and I'm loving it. You're worth more than you've been giving yourself, much less what guys have been giving you. Don't do this so that great guy will want you. If he was THAT great, he'd want you no matter what you weigh. Do this for yourself. Because you want it. Because taking care of yourself and being healthy is the best gift you can ever give yourself. Not because the dream guy determines how much he values you based on a number on a scale.