Most tight rope walkers have a net below them just in case they fall; I'm not sure if mine has one installed yet or not. I have been tip-toeing along this line for too many months, and I think I have gained my balance again, finally. Just because I didn't plunge to my death at any point these past five or six months, it doesn't mean I didn't get hurt along the way.
So where am I going with this post? I have no idea. I'm just going to let my thoughts and feelings flow at this time and let them be.
I met an incredible guy this past week and we went out on Friday for sushi. He didn't want to flake out on me, so he drove up from San Antonio for a two hour dinner just to turn around and go back to San Antonio, talk about sweet. This guy, I have always felt since we met, is way out of my league: funny, sweet, gentle, genuine, kind, open, and completely gorgeous (he was a model and had acting parts on TV shows). He is the epitome of what I desire in a guy, but I doubt I am what he's looking for...physically anyway. This is the second guy in six months in which I have wow-ed by my personality, but they cannot help but see the fat me; it just hurts, especially since I've lost so much weight already. I just want to find a guy who is willing to transform with me. What even hurts more is that I'm still friends with the first guy, and who knows if I'll be friends with this second one. I guess friends is better than nothing, right?
It hurts so much that I almost gave up on humanity, and in doing so, I almost gave up on myself. Saturday, I nearly skipped out on the gym and re-entered my old destructive behavior patterns of binge eating. If I'm not going to be liked now, why bother doing what I've been doing? So yes, I probably did eat a little more than expected, but overall, I stayed on my tight rope. I feel like I can say I broke away from my emotional eating habits this weekend. Yes, I was hurt (and who knows, maybe he will call), but I didn't turn to food in the process. Talk about a Non-Scale Victory.
Anyway, you'll be seeing more of me in the upcoming days and weeks. I'm beginning to re-focus my energy on me and I'm going to start making the guys do a little work to get to know me. I'm worth more than what guys have been giving me, much more.