Happy New Year's Day!

I like and enjoy New Year’s.  I get to reflect on the past and dream for the future while being in the present.  I had a very quiet holiday season this year, and it suited me very well.  I sorted through inner turmoil and have solved many of the issues.  I am no longer going to worry about people’s perceptions of me or walk around people’s feelings.  I have no idea what is going to happen in 2015, but what I do know is that my past is no longer going to keep holding me back.  I am at a great spot and am hopeful this year. 

 

A resolution is a promise to oneself.  People make resolutions all the time for New Year’s, and I’m no different.  I have never made a promise that I did not keep.  When people ask me to promise something or for a favor, I always ask what it is for before making the commitment.  I don’t make careless resolutions either...

 

I resolve to be closer to Him so that I can be closer to you.

 

I promise to face my fears.

 

I declare to be free from my past.

 

 

New Life

A couple weeks ago, I noticed my calla lily coming back to life. I feel like this flower has resembled my life this past year. I was doing okay after the breakup then the storm came in the form of a guy I dated in the spring. This led to my baptism and a renewal in faith.  

Ironically, this flower was given to me by my ex and it had died back to nothing over the summer. It was a fruitless summer as I personally struggled to find value and purpose in my life. I was just going through the motions in life. Work...food...sleep...an occasional workout. It was hard to be social. To be honest, I still wonder what my purpose is, even though I know what my different groups of friends would say. My Christian friends would say it's to share the Gospel. Spiritual but non-religious friends would probably say it's to show the Word through action. And my non-spiritual, non-religious friends would go with - you need to find something that you enjoy and strive for it. I've always wanted to inspire people. What better way to do that than defeat this weight issue.

When I pruned the calla lily in the early part of August, I noticed that it was hanging onto life by a thread. Similar to how I felt. I put the calla lily closer to a window (nutrition) and gave it some water. Nutrition and water sustain life. And God is called "living water" multiple times in the bible. It's not a coincidence. Remembering the weight loss I had five years ago, when I focused on myself, the more friends I had. I was also more giving. I'm heading back to that spot.

The song that has helped me over this past week is called "Who You Are" by Unspoken. I'll try to remember to post the video when I get home. Part of the song is "you can change who you are at the foot of the cross."

Playing the Victim

After some considerable thought, I made a realization about why I keep procrastinating major life events. For both my dissertation and healthy living/losing weight, I think that deep down, I like playing the victim. I like the attention. It gives people a conversation starter with me. 

As soon as I determine not to be a victim anymore, the enemy always finds a way to attack. I just injured my calf/knee again after a day at bootcamp. Almost every three days, it either gives out or gets reaggravated. So I'm trying to work through it, but feel defeated.

I am slowly reintegrating myself into society. After talking with a friend, I realized that I place other people's burdens on me rather than giving it to God. Perhaps this will strengthen my relationship with God and I'll no longer choose to withdraw from the community that surrounds me. The fear of rejection is huge after a specific college experience I had. It's time to forgive and move on.