Saturday, May 23, 2009

Am I really happy?

I thought I had it all the past few months. I had a reliable relationship with a fantastic guy who lived 900ish miles from me. People in high places have been acknowledging my work. I have great friends and an active life - volunteering and being outdoorsy. Who really would want anything more? Why would I need to lose more weight when I was comfortable in my own skin?

Then, I did what I always did. I relied on other people for my happiness. I volunteer because I like to see people's joy in what I makes me happy. My boyfriend DID make me happy, but then things took a turn for the worse, and that's when I felt my life was crumbling - I relied too much on him. I dived into my work further, just to get pleasure from people's compliments. I put too much of my happiness based on other people and not on myself. While I still exuded confidence superficially, deep down I was not confident in anything about me.

The more I worked out the past couple of weeks, the more I have felt confident in myself. I've taken a few day trips in the area by myself and have been finding comfort in my own skin. I still realize I don't know how to balance my love and happiness to help others with keeping my confidence in myself. Will I always go through these crazy cycles time and time again?

At the end of the day, I am with myself. I can only rely on myself. I need to stop focusing my attention on others and occasionally I can be stingy and demand others to focus their attention on me as well. I don't always have to be the giver.

1 comment:

Heather said...

I do much the same thing. sometimes I feel I need reasons to be happy and go out and look for those. its hard to just be happy with yourself, proud of yourself,etc. and have it be enough. I think realizing this is a great first step to really being able to do that and I know that you can.