I never know where to start again...

I always have great ideas on how to start blogging again, but when I get to typing, I lose all my thoughts or they are just jumbled. Should I write about work or church or school or getting healthy or.... What do people want to hear about these days? I have many thoughts as it relates to the news, but who truly wants to hear a reasonable argument these days? I suppose writing clears the head; now whether or not I have an audience will be a different story.

Uganda 2012: Faith and Hope

A running theme occurred during my trip to Africa:  Faith and Hope.  God could not be any clearer that through faith I can have hope, and little did I know that this was what I truly needed upon returning from Uganda.  But let me discuss something larger than what I had to deal with when I returned to the United States.

When I went to Uganda in 2009, the orphanage at Bukaleba was still in the process of being built, so to return to a fully functioning babies home was completely incredible.  Little did I know that I was going to fall in love with those kids.  And little did I know that I would continually pray about adopting two little girls I met at that orphanage.  I have not been led in either direction at the moment, but I continue to pray and seek God's direction on this.

The two girls I met just so happened to be named Faith and Hope.  Faith (about six years old) is the older sister of Hope (about 4 years old), and both of them have a chronic condition.  They have been at the orphanage for about two years after both their parents passed away.  Their mother died suddenly, and a few months later their dad passed away.  What one pastor told me was that they believed Faith and Hope's dad died of a drug overdose.  Since their father had worked for Arise Africa International as an electrician, the organization felt compelled to take Faith and Hope in and care for them at the orphanage.  The girls are well cared for by the nannies and aunties at the babies home, and they are getting the medical treatment they need.  What they may not get enough of, though, is love, that unconditional love that comes from family.  And let's be realistic, those aunties and nannies are caring for 54 orphans, they cannot invest their whole being into each of those kids, so adoption is necessary.  My heart aches when I think about what will happen when they finish secondary school at Bukaleba.  Will they be able to afford the medications they need?  Faith and Hope have been dealt a hard hand from birth; I need to constantly remind myself that God is in control and if I have faith, I am guaranteed to have hope.  I feel compelled to do more, though, for these two girls.  One evening, we brought Faith and Hope back to the guesthouse with us so the doctor could see them (thought the sisters might have had malaria), and I remember another team member holding Hope and as soon as I walked by, she reached both arms up and towards to me, similar to any child who wants their mother.  I believe the two things that scare me about the adoption process is that for starters I become an instant mom.  I get overwhelmed thinking about that.  And secondly, I'm single - does Uganda even consider single women in the adoption process?  I need some prayer warriors on this...

 

Faith - Age 6

Hope - Age 4

 

I also have mixed emotions about removing children from their home country and culture.  While many Ugandans don't have many physical possessions, they have so much more internally.  When I went to Walmart the day after getting back from Uganda, I almost had an anxiety attack because it was TOO much.  The vibrant colors in every direction, and all the choices - different products and brands - all at my fingertips.  Humbled and thankful?  Definitely.  But at the same time, in recent days, I have felt as if I don't have a true purpose here on earth.  Day after day I live the same story; my life is on repeat.  As a child, I used to dream about being Anne of Green Gables standing on the sand dunes of Prince Edward Island with the wind blowing through my hair.  All I could envision on this trip was me walking through the savannah in Uganda with Toto's song "Africa" in my head, and that I belonged there.  Coming back to the United States was much harder this time, but perhaps that is because I felt like I had a (greater) purpose in Uganda and I've gotten lost in the shuffle here.  

 

While my boyfriend and I have talked about adopting in the future, we have only talked about adopting older kids from the United States.  I have kept him in the loop concerning my thoughts and feelings about these two orphans in Uganda.  Something else God put on my heart a few months ago was becoming a court appointed special advocate (CASA) for children in Texas.  Court Appointed Special Advocates provide information to judges to "safeguard children and ensure that children are placed in safe, permanent homes as quickly as possible."  Now that I have a little bit more time since school is winding down for me, maybe this is just what I need to do.

Forgiving, Forgetting, and Moving Forward

Long story short, within two months time, I lost yet another trainer to another company.  Fortunately, though, I'll be seeing Brant when I hit the classes at Camp Gladiator Arena.  I don't blame Brant for leaving, and he felt bad about it since he knew I was just transitioning to his style of training.  For anybody who is trying to lose weight, consistency is very important, and jumping trainer to trainer can be very difficult.  Consistency, though, can end up in boredom if not challenged too.  Luckily, though, my new trainer, Miguel, has made it rather easy for me.  To be honest, I think my two months with Brant was a God thing, since Miguel only started a couple of months ago at 24 Hour Fitness.  Laura, Scott, Matt and Brant, if you ever read this, know this one thing:  Miguel thinks I have impeccable form while training.  :o)  Miguel offers me a "no judgement zone" and I've been able to share things with him that I have not been able to share with many other people.  I have considered writing some deeply personal posts on this blog, but that time is not now, and perhaps those posts will never come.  I sometimes feel people can learn from my past experiences, though, too, no matter how difficult those times were.  Time will only tell.

I have learned a great deal about myself these past few weeks.  I can't say it is just due to the new trainer, but my life is moving in the fast lane these days.  In a matter of two weeks, I finished finals for my spring semester, I took my doctoral qualifying exam, and my boyfriend moved to Italy.  I'm still picking up the pieces - the house is a mess and quite frankly, my life is a mess.  When my boyfriend and I were prayed over at Austin Christian Fellowship a few weeks ago, I honestly believe that God has us in these separate seasons because we each need something different.  I think I know how God wants me to grow, but I'm sure it's going to be much greater than I expect.  For starters, I need to surround myself with goal-orientated, positive people.  To be honest, in my humble opinion and in most cases, people who complain like to put blame on the current situation onto others.  If I complain loud enough, nobody is going to notice when I fail IF I choose to try and fix it.  Yes, some things are out of our jurisdiction of "fixing," but as Mahatma Ghandi said “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”  At the same time, though, as Will Davis, Jr. preached the other week, we must be okay with being forgotten after we die.  I have been trying to pursue a legacy on earth, but the reality is, it does not matter because in 50 years, I will be forgotten.

Ghandi was a wise man, and some of the quotes that still exist should be life lessons.

1.  "There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."  Ouch.
2.  "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.  Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."  True.
3.  "Nobody can hurt me without my permission."  Easier said than done.
4.  "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."  So so true.
5.  "You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result."  I think this is my new lifestyle motto.
6.  "The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."  Let me further explain.

I started checking out a new small group with my church since the one I co-lead disbanded about a year ago, and now that school is winding down, I can really focus on this area of my life.  At dinner last night, we briefly discussed Philippians 3:13-14, "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  You may be curious as to why I bring up this passage while I am talking about Ghandi and forgiveness.  Everybody has heard of the cliche "forgive and forget."  I'm not sure we are supposed to forget.  If your past is holding you from your future, then yes, that is a problem, but I think we also need to learn from our past.  Forgiveness, though, is the first step of forgetting.  And forgiveness, as Ghandi points out, is an "attribute of the strong."  And where do we get our strength?  Through God.  For me, the hardest person to forgive is myself.