Forgiving, Forgetting, and Moving Forward

Long story short, within two months time, I lost yet another trainer to another company.  Fortunately, though, I'll be seeing Brant when I hit the classes at Camp Gladiator Arena.  I don't blame Brant for leaving, and he felt bad about it since he knew I was just transitioning to his style of training.  For anybody who is trying to lose weight, consistency is very important, and jumping trainer to trainer can be very difficult.  Consistency, though, can end up in boredom if not challenged too.  Luckily, though, my new trainer, Miguel, has made it rather easy for me.  To be honest, I think my two months with Brant was a God thing, since Miguel only started a couple of months ago at 24 Hour Fitness.  Laura, Scott, Matt and Brant, if you ever read this, know this one thing:  Miguel thinks I have impeccable form while training.  :o)  Miguel offers me a "no judgement zone" and I've been able to share things with him that I have not been able to share with many other people.  I have considered writing some deeply personal posts on this blog, but that time is not now, and perhaps those posts will never come.  I sometimes feel people can learn from my past experiences, though, too, no matter how difficult those times were.  Time will only tell.

I have learned a great deal about myself these past few weeks.  I can't say it is just due to the new trainer, but my life is moving in the fast lane these days.  In a matter of two weeks, I finished finals for my spring semester, I took my doctoral qualifying exam, and my boyfriend moved to Italy.  I'm still picking up the pieces - the house is a mess and quite frankly, my life is a mess.  When my boyfriend and I were prayed over at Austin Christian Fellowship a few weeks ago, I honestly believe that God has us in these separate seasons because we each need something different.  I think I know how God wants me to grow, but I'm sure it's going to be much greater than I expect.  For starters, I need to surround myself with goal-orientated, positive people.  To be honest, in my humble opinion and in most cases, people who complain like to put blame on the current situation onto others.  If I complain loud enough, nobody is going to notice when I fail IF I choose to try and fix it.  Yes, some things are out of our jurisdiction of "fixing," but as Mahatma Ghandi said “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”  At the same time, though, as Will Davis, Jr. preached the other week, we must be okay with being forgotten after we die.  I have been trying to pursue a legacy on earth, but the reality is, it does not matter because in 50 years, I will be forgotten.

Ghandi was a wise man, and some of the quotes that still exist should be life lessons.

1.  "There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."  Ouch.
2.  "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.  Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."  True.
3.  "Nobody can hurt me without my permission."  Easier said than done.
4.  "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."  So so true.
5.  "You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result."  I think this is my new lifestyle motto.
6.  "The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."  Let me further explain.

I started checking out a new small group with my church since the one I co-lead disbanded about a year ago, and now that school is winding down, I can really focus on this area of my life.  At dinner last night, we briefly discussed Philippians 3:13-14, "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  You may be curious as to why I bring up this passage while I am talking about Ghandi and forgiveness.  Everybody has heard of the cliche "forgive and forget."  I'm not sure we are supposed to forget.  If your past is holding you from your future, then yes, that is a problem, but I think we also need to learn from our past.  Forgiveness, though, is the first step of forgetting.  And forgiveness, as Ghandi points out, is an "attribute of the strong."  And where do we get our strength?  Through God.  For me, the hardest person to forgive is myself.

Physical Activity Thoughts

I met with Brant, my new trainer, today.  The first day is always the most nerve-wracking because you don't know what his training style will be like and whether or not there will be chemistry to optimize your success in reaching your goals.  Yes, I'm still a bit nervous, but I know he's the right trainer for me.  I knew a year ago when I attempted my half marathon and Brant rode his bike as I jogged perhaps a mile.  He was at the half/full marathon to encourage his clients, so that told me Brant was a trainer that wasn't in it for a paycheck, but because he cared.  None-the-less, when Brant and I chatted today, he said something along the lines that coming to the gym should not stress me out since he knows I have limited time.  He's right.  When did going to the gym stress me out?  It is time consuming, and I'm super busy with working and going to school full time, but in the end, it should not stress me out.  Back when I lost a lot of weight, I liked going to the gym; I felt great starting my day off at the gym or on the trail.  Fitness helped me sleep better at night and kept me focused during the day; it allowed me to take work stresses out.  So a new quote of mine is, "Physical activity should not stress me out; it should reduce stress."  I will not get the best workout possible if I'm anxious or stressed out at the gym because I have a thousand and one other things to do, so therefore I need to make it a priority in my schedule again.  Brant also wants me to pick a target race, probably a 10K to train for, some time this fall; I think he wants me to nail that half marathon eventually just to show myself that I can fail, but then then eventually I can conquer.  Too bad I'm Miss Negative when it comes to that, but perhaps he'll make be a believer.

New Motto...that needs a bit of explanation.

My trainer has me jog a lot during our weight training sets. I despise jogging. I'm slow, and I don't run right. Not to mention you hear my flab (sorry, I know, too much information). But I still do it because it is one of the only things these days that gets my heart rate up into the cardiovascular zone. I can routinely jog 0.1 mile lap in 55 seconds or less. On a good day, it's about 46 seconds. The most I have ever run consecutively was three laps.

The past week and a half has been hard to get back into the swing of things. Matt's now pushing me even harder on the running and less resting between the cardio part of my program and the weight training. Not a bad thing at all, but I'm trying to adjust to it. We've also increased the number of laps I jog in a session with him, and for somebody who doesn't like jogging, it hasn't been very fun, so I procrastinate the jogging part. Luckily, Matt joins me on occasion. To help me get through all of this, I've come up with a new motto that even Matt enjoys. "The faster I get 'er done, the faster it'll be over."

If you really think about this motto, it makes a lot of sense when it comes to cardiovascular exercise. Let's do the math (oh no I didn't say that!). If you are targeting a certain number of calories to burn, if you work out at a moderate level, you may burn that many calories in an hour, but if you work out at an intense level, you may burn that many calories in a half hour - you're being "more productive," so to speak.

I know I should have a more positive outlook on jogging, but it's not quite there yet, so this motto is going to get me through it. Please note, this motto should ONLY be used for exercise and not for overall weight loss. I truly believe in order to maintain a significant weight loss and a healthy lifestyle, it has to be gradual.

Motto: It is what it is.

For a long time now I have to been asking the question "Why?". Why am I fat? Why me? I have been searching for an answer. While I know "why" I'm fat - eating too much and exercising little, I always wanted to blame some thing or someone besides just me (note the word "besides" because I am, in fact, to blame for all, if not most).

While at the gym today, I came up with a new motto: It is what it is. Who cares why or how I got fat. It is what it is. The time to change is now and to move my life forward in the most healthy way possible.